Humorous & Absurd Take on My Very Nasty Divorce. Life Only Gets Better!
Letter to Bubba
Published on November 19, 2003 By Patty O In Misc
November 20, 2003

Dear Bubba,

It’s been a while since I wrote you last, being busy and all. Poor ol’ Ima Jean is preparing for her wedding day. I’m so happy, Bubba! She chose me of all people in this world to be her maid of honor…well, at my age, maybe I’m her matron of honor… or crone of honor…hell, I don’t know. But she asked me to stand up with her on the wedding day so I’m going to do it.

Now, there was talk about her wearing a tiara, but don’t you think that will look kinda…well, how can I put this?…Tinkerbell-ish or something? I don’t know about them tiaras, Bubba, because I’ll just tell you, back when I was working at the Best Bridal Shop here in town, well, there was some guys come in. And I’m plum ashamed to speak of this, but I know you won’t let this cross your lips, but them guys was trying on the tiaras and admiring each other and laughing like silly girls. Come to think of it, they were prettier than most girls what come in to try on our gowns. Hmmm? Imagine that!

Well, Ima Jean says y’all come up with the idea for colors for the wedding from them Dallas Cowboys. Why, Lord, Bubba, those dresses and accessories will be so pretty. I looooooove navy blue and silver! Ima Jean says I ought to get me some silver shoes to go with my navy outfit. Do you think silver shoes will make my feet look big?? Well, I don’t know; I’m going to ponder on that a while. But in any case, the shoes will match a tiara if she insists I wear one. I reckon I can do that.

Why the other day Ima Jean called me about her wedding gown….oh, Bubba, it was just lovely. It made her look so slinky, and that slit up to the top of her thigh, goodness knows, that was a nice touch! But do you think the elders downto the Pentecostal church will mind that much leg hanging out??? Well, they shouldn’t considering Sister Flossy wears them low-cut blouses with all that cleavage showing. I noticed last Sunday some of the elders were conversing with the Sister and I have to say, a few eyes were wandering in places they ought’nt. Well, we just got to leave that for the Lord to sort out.

Ima Jean’s girl, Lena Mae, well she’s going to be a momma soon and that baby will be attending the wedding with rest of us in the Spring. Lena Mae does have a concern or two. You remember last summer at your birthday party and Louzell kept falling down? Remember that?? Well, I know I saw her fall at least four times and once I thought she’d killed herself on the patio step! I swear, she fell with such force, I thought she was dead for sure! But, anyway, Louzell falls down all the time, which leads Lena Mae to the conclusion Louzell ain’t going to put her hands on that new baby! That’s right! Nobody thought too much about it until Cousin Martha Ann told us the story about Louzell falling on top of her own baby and she killed it! Why that’s horrifying, Bubba! Poor old thing can’t stand up for more than a few minutes without slamming herself on the floor…ahhh, such a shame. But Lena Mae says ain’t no way Louzell is going to hold her baby. And I can’t say I blame her much.

I got to tell you, Bubba, this last month has been a killer. My old man keeps on sending stuff I don’t want, like boxes of old things, books and such. He’s plum lost his fool mind, yes he has! First he says he’s scared of me. Then he started getting him a divorce, which I have agreed all along is the right thing to do. He’s been so mean to me while we was married, but I swear I never aimed a gun at him! I swear, I didn’t! And get this, Bubba! That fool sent me two books wrapped in flowery paper. I just don’t know what to think of that, but he’s about a few bricks shy of a full load, anyways.

Well, Bubba, I hope you are doing good at the jailhouse. That work-release program gets you out during the day to see the sunshine and other folks besides them hideous inmates you been telling Ima Jean about. It won’t be long now…what is it? Three more months, then you’re out? I can’t wait to see ya!

You take care and Bubba, me and the Sisters down to the church are praying for your swift release.

Love, Sissy

Comments
on Nov 19, 2003
stylistically brilliant! keep up the good work!
on Nov 20, 2003
Why, Thank you so much, MsShrink!

Patty-O