November 5, 2005

Dear Diane,

Well of all the things! I went to the attorney’s office today to do what? Oh, yeah! That deposition thing that is supposed to take place on November the 17th…preparing for those hard questions Mr. Passive-Aggressive’s attorney will be throwing at me like sharp pencils being thrown in a classroom. But, no, my dear, this didn’t take place, because my “husband”, and I use that word with the utmost contempt, is dragging his feet. The court date has been postponed, the deposition date is out the window and this turkey is acting like the pure ass he is! Do you know what we talked about?….You are not going to believe this one, sweetie!

I was sitting in the waiting room when my attorney came to greet me. He was dressed in blue jeans and a knit shirt…of course, his belly was poking out over the belt, but he walks up to me and grins with that dip in his lower lip.
He says, “Hey, your husband wants a reconciliation!” Big old grin!

I said, “Oh, no, he doesn’t…” Big old grin right back at him!

He throws back at me, “ Yes, he does! Your husband loves you! Yes, he does!” Another big old stupid grin!

“Darlin’, he doesn’t love me…it’s all about him!” And I give him a more stupid than stupider grin.

“Now your husband loves you and he wants a piece of that Pat!” An even more stupid grin, if that could be possible, lay plastered on his redneck puss!

I shot back, “Well, he ain’t getting’ no piece of Pat, Darlin’!” and I start to snarl between my teeth in the biggest old hateful grin. “Now I done told you about a dozen times I’m not taking him back!”

“Oh, come on, now. Your husband really wants a reconciliation…he wants his little wife back!”

“Well, ain’t that too bad. He has a sweet little woman he likes so much better than he likes me for the last 2 years, and Lordy, I do hate that for him, don’t you?” I was about to jump up and throttle that man!

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…” he said through his silly ass grin from the far side of the waiting room. It was a good thing to have a little distance between the attorney and myself. He was about to experience this scorned woman’s fury, yes he was!

“Yes, that is so true, but I’m over the scorned thing now, and I really do hate that my husband is not doing well with his decisions,” growling, from the depth of my very being.

Secretly I was thinking, I hope he drops dead and the worms eat him…or even better…I hope the worms eat him, then he drops dead!

My attorney disappeared into the conference room with another client. I sat there giggling to myself. Now, who is in control of whom? Here I was to be prepped for the deposition and I get this shit, AND I have to pay for it! Life isn’t fair. But Hubby ain’t getting what he wants neither! Good!

So, the attorney comes back to the waiting room and says,
”Come on gorgeous! Let’s talk about this thing.” He throws his arms around me and hugs me up real good, then ushers me to the conference room. “I know you don’t like us men and I’m sure you hate attorneys!” He laughed like the redneck he was.

“No, I love men, all men, really, I do! I’m just taking a break from you guys!” I smiled sweetly, “and I don’t hate attorney’s. I think attorneys are wonderful when I need them and I don’t mind paying for the services. But I want you to know right now, I am not paying you another dime after this deposition thing takes place. I want this over now! No reconciliation, not now, not later, I’m done! I want a divorce!”

Then he gets serious. He says,
“Now you know, you guys should have a 4-way sit down with us attorneys and talk this out. Get this thing settled. You two don’t have enough assets to fight over anyway!”

“Oh, thank you! Haven’t I been telling you this all along? I have two houses that I and the bank own and the same thing with the car! The only thing he can get from me is part of the debt, that is if he wants it!”

“That’s right!” he says. “And you are running up a big legal bill…”

I cut him off right there!
“Who’s running up a legal bill? I came to you because my husband had me arrested, attempted to have me committed to a mental hospital, has attempted to have me in court for violating the protective order, and if I’m not mistaken, he was the one who initiated the divorce and all of this crap! Who’s running up fucking legal bills? It’s not me! I want this over, I want him to go away and leave me the hell alone! What does he want from me anyway?!!! What does his attorney say about that?”

The attorney raised his hands and shrugged his shoulders.
“We don’t know what he wants? We need to find out. I recommend we have a 4-way sit down, the attorneys leave the room and you and he can work this out. You can ask him what he wants. You can ask him why he did these things…”

I cut in,
“You know, I don’t care what he wants. I don’t want to know why he did these things! I have nothing to say to the man! If he wants to sit down and tell me something, I’ll sit there and listen, but I have NOTHING to say to him, nothing to ask him and what he has to say makes no difference now. But I will tell you this. I know him better than you or Mr.Lawyer # 2, and Hubby’s going to drag this out as long as he can. He’s passive-aggressive, he wants to control the situation and this is his way to accomplish that. I’m not going to pay you for his delays. I want this over. I want this finished as soon as possible! He started this divorce and he can finish it. If he chooses not to move forward, I will! I’ll let the judge decide the outcome.”

So, the attorney looked down at his papers and mumbled,
“the divorce would be over in one year.”

I screamed,
“WHAT? What happened to 6 months? What are talking about, one year??”

He said,
“That’s state law! Unless there is a property agreement, it takes a year, then you will be divorced one way or the other. The judge will make the decision.”

“That’s fine. Now look at the Military Personnel Manual and this part of the code: ‘regardless of financial obligations, the member must pay the spouse full Basic Allowance for Housing and support.’

So he’s obligated to pay me as long as he is married to me. Current and arrears, please. That should help him make his decision as to whether he should move on this divorce or drag it out.

So, Missy, here I am at 10:30 PM still fuming at this bullshit Hubby is pulling and those damned attorneys think he is the injured party! They fully expect me to take that bastard back! When pigs fly! Three fucking male attorneys and they all feel sympathy for that asshole! Do you think it’s because I am sick to death of him, Hubby, I mean, and all his mess and the fact I’m making him accountable…i.e. he wants the divorce, right? Well, he’s going to get it, just like he wanted. I tell you, I have more balls than the four of those guys put together and three of them are former military men. Tell me, WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

I told Mr. Redneck Attorney that my marriage ended the evening he had me arrested and my ass marched out of my own house in handcuffs! That’s it, the end!

Well, I’m going to brush my teeth and I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Be good or be awful! It’s all about the same.

Love, Your Friend

P.S. Keep it between the ditches, darlin’!